40 Days with God - And a Begining

The flight back to Mumbai was uneventful. We were returning back to our children after six weeks but strangely it didn’t feel as exciting as it had felt when we had boarded the flight to Jeddah or during our six week stay when we would at times count the weeks remaining for the return journey.

As the flight readied for take-off, I picked the newspaper lying in the seat pocket. It was our first contact with the outside world after six weeks.

At the Mumbai airport I immediately realized the difficulty in applying the seemingly simple lessons learnt during the pilgrimage.

Everyone had brought tons of baggage from Saudi to be gifted to relatives and friends but I knew it had little value since all those items were actually made in China or Indonesia or some such foreign country and thus had no connection to the holy land. There were only two things that came from the place – dates from Medina and the water from Zam Zam, the holy stream of Mecca. Even the dates of Medina are now imported and available in Mumbai, so it was Zam Zam that was available only when you visited Mecca.

I had thus been very finicky about packing as much water as I can (each Haji is legally allowed a can of 10 liters) and I had packed in small bottles along with the large can. The water cans, due to their fragility are deplaned separately and kept in a separate corner of the baggage collection section, from where you have to identify your can by the name written on it and collect it. I wasn’t worried about my baggage, my only concern was to ensure that my can (and my wife’s) came undamaged.

As I searched through the many water cans that were kept in the corner I could locate only my wife’s can. I read and re-read the names but couldn’t find mine. Probably there was a lot that was still being deplaned.

I went to the baggage belt to collect my regular baggage. As I loaded my trolley and wanted to rush back to the can section I was besieged by an old lady who had always relied on me during the pilgrimage. Her trolley with all her luggage had suddenly gone missing as she had gone to fetch the water can. She was desperate; had someone walked away with her trolley, would all her luggage be lost?

She requested me to help her find her trolley. I knew in my heart that I should help her – that was what right behavior demanded. But my own desperation at not being able to find my water can was gnawing at me. I reasoned to myself that the water was more precious than luggage so I gave her directions as to where she would find her trolley (I vaguely remembered where I had seen it), assured her no one would walk away with it and left her to locate it herself.

When I reached the can station, most of the cans had been collected and there were only a few left. Yet mine was not amongst them. My desperation began to grow into despair. Was I going to miss on the only real valuable thing one could bring from Mecca, something that was not available anywhere else?

And then I found a can with no name or number on it lying unclaimed in a corner. Pilgrims continued to come, identify their cans and collect them, but no one came to collect that unnamed can. And then I had a thought; should I pick that can since it purportedly didn’t belong to anyone because it had no name on it. Of course someone would have put it in the luggage with the hope of getting it through, but obviously it must be an additional can. If for any reason my can didn’t come, did I have the moral right to take the unnamed can?

I knew it wasn’t completely correct, yet as I couldn’t locate my own I began to make plans of taking that unnamed can. Probably, I tried to convince myself, I would wait till the end, wait for every can to be collected and even then if that can remained uncollected I felt I would have done enough diligence before picking it.

As I struggled with my moral dilemma I noticed my can in the middle of the few remaining ones. How had I missed it despite the many checks?

As I walked out with the luggage and the cans safely stacked on the trolley I realized how the slightest threat to something I valued, had diverted me from the task of helping an old lady and made me almost claim a possession which didn’t rightfully belong to me.

Had all my learning, all my days and nights of realizations faltered at the first test of faith? If I had complete faith in the Lord should I have not believed that I would get my can if He so desired and have the fortitude to help others in need?

The children ran to greet us and during the entire ride back home they kept talking incessantly. They had obviously missed us more than we did.

On the Santacruz flyover our taxi driver sharply cut past a car. The car driver honked angrily. As the taxi stopped at the Bandra signal, the car driver got out and assaulted our taxi driver. It seemed the car belonged to the local MLA and thus the driver felt insulted at being overtaken. Our taxi driver tried to put up a brave front but obviously smarted at being roughed up.

As the taxi gathered speed again my seven year old son vented his ire at the preposterousness of the car driver. I had sat passively during the entire incident. Should I have intervened in the matter, should I have stood up for the hapless taxi driver?

And I realized that putting learning into action was not going to be easy at all. That application also required the courage to act and that courage could only come from a firm belief in God and the merit of doing right.

And I also realized that while I had not been able to act as desired I had at least become acutely aware of the need to act. Was this awareness in itself a beginning, a precursor to action which would eventually follow?

We had arrived in Mumbai on Friday evening and I had the weekend to rest at home before joining work. There had never been an occasion when I had stayed away so long from mails. Even when I was on leave I had the constant impulse of checking my Blackberry and logging on to the laptop at the first available opportunity. An hour with an email felt like a disappointment.

However now I didn’t feel like opening my laptop even though I had been away for six weeks. Reluctantly on the Sunday night I reactivated the mail service on my mobile. And it was only on Monday in the office that I started to download my emails.

As I checked through them I realized that a week into my leave some gracious soul had sent me an email with a 12MB attachment post which my mailbox had closed and I had no mail for five full weeks. I suddenly felt a sense of huge relief. A month of all communication had been wiped off my mailbox. It was as if I had ceased to exist professionally for that one month and I didn’t feel the slightest disappointment, the smallest hint of insecurity at that thought.

Was this the beginning of what they call transformation?

{In the next episode - which will probably be the last we will try to recreate the algorithm, the grand design which makes a pilgrimage a source of purification}

40 Days with God – An End

How does one feel on reaching the destination, on achieving a cherished objective?

A philosopher has said that when you have achieved a goal there is nothing further to achieve, once you have reached the destination there is nowhere to go. What he obviously meant was that the journey to achievement was the source of fulfillment, the reaching to the destination a greater motivation than the destination itself.

What one felt in the days immediately after the Haj was a feeling of emptiness that comes with the relieving of responsibility, when you know that there is nothing left in your control. Like the lightness that comes after giving an important exam; you have done whatever you could, good or bad, right or wrong and it was now with the examiner to decide the grades.

For the past five weeks, day after day you had prepared for that one afternoon in Arafat, that one night in Muzdalifah, that one tawaaf of the Kaaba and the stoning of the devil – things that you will probably never do again in your life. And now that it was all over what remained was only the return journey back to the world.

And it was an infinitely sad thought. Of having to give up this life of submission and love, of closeness and affinity for a life of daily chores far away from this holy precinct.

Yet the world was the field of application and what good is all theory if not applied. And that was the biggest fear; could we go back to the rigmarole of the routine and still retain this same sense of love and divinity?

The one sign, the book says, that your Haj was accepted by Allah, that you had passed the exam, is that your life transforms after return. That it becomes easier to lead a righteous life as prescribed by the Quran and God. Would there be a change in my life once I return? And what would be that change or transformation that the books talk about?

And had I performed the Haj correctly enough to bring about that change? Had my Lord accepted my supplications?

The days immediately after Haj were of hope and despair – hope that sprang from a staunch belief in the boundless mercy of the Lord, that if my intent had been good His actions would be generous, and the despair that comes from the realization that there was always something which I could have done more – the nights when I wanted to go to Masjid-al-Haram but kept sleeping, the visit to Masjid-e-Namra on the afternoon of Arafat when it was just a walk away etc.

And there was one big fear; the fear of how I would be able to sustain this same sense of seeming purity on going back into the world, of whether I would be able to put into practice all the good things that I had learnt, the realizations that I had.

Would I be able to know the right and the wrong in any situation and then have the courage to do the right?

There was only one answer to this – to get the intent right. If I could be constantly aware of my intent and ensure that it remained pure, the actions that would emanate from it would be largely correct.

That is how a Haj, and any pilgrimage, which purifies your intent, has the ability to transform you.

The final ritual that remained before we undertook the trip back home was the tawaaf-ul-vida, the farewell circumambulation of the Kaaba. The transfer of pilgrims from Mecca to Medina had not yet started and Masjid-al-Haram was overflowing with people. The biggest anxiety you have as you take the seven rounds of that holy structure for one last time is that you don’t miss out on any dua, any prayer for self or for any person you know.  For you will never get this opportunity for a long time again.

As we finished the obligatory namaaz on completion of the tawaaf and stood for one last time in the physical presence of the Kaaba, I tried to keep my eyes open without blinking for as long as I can, with a childlike desire to capture that black stone structure in my eyes forever so that from tomorrow when I raise my hands to my ears at the start of a namaaz with the statement ‘…and my face towards the Kaaba’ I can picture the actual Kaaba in front of me like I would in Masjid-al-Haram.

The incessantly moving crowd didn’t allow the occasion to stand at still and take in all the glory for the one last time. There were other lovers, pilgrims who had come at later dates and needed their time with the beloved, like we had in the beginning. It was for us to say a quick good-bye and let them indulge in the privilege.

I quickly turned around and traced my steps back towards the exit not turning around to look again one last time as I had initially thought. The final adieu wasn’t emotional or sad, it was strangely fulfilling and complete, like the closing of a much worked upon task, like the finishing of an assiduously read book.

It was the last namaaz in a local mosque in Azizia before starting on our return journey which was far more sad and painful.

We had to leave before mid-night for Jeddah to catch an early morning flight back to Mumbai. Dinner was going to be served after namaaz-e-isha (the last of the five mandatory namaaz to be offered every day) and loading of luggage would start immediately afterwards. Hence the instructions were to quickly return from the prayers and finish the supper as early as possible so that things could be wound up in time.

As I raised my hands for the last time in the namaaz, the body felt heavy and leaden and every action seemed like an effort. And when I bowed for the last time in sajda (supplication) I didn’t want to get up, to distance the forehead from that holy land, to lose contact. And I cried and cried from the pain of partition not praying for anyone or anything just wanting to sit there and feel the presence, to capture forever the essence of having been to the holiest of all places for a Muslim.

After what seemed like a long time, when the mosque was all but deserted and the keeper had switched off most lights and when it seemed too late for the dinner I got up and left quietly.

It was my last namaaz at Mecca till destiny will take me back again.

[In the next episode we will see what it takes to put the theory at work, what happens when as they say 'the rubber meets the road'.]

40 Days with God – The Haj Part III – Sustenance

The Haj is about attaining purity. But how does one sustain that purity in a world where ‘dirt’ is so easy to gather?

Haj provide a mechanism for that as well.

10^th ZIlhajja, the third day of Haj is a busy day. It is also the day of Eid-ul-Adha or Bakri-Eid as popularly knowing in India.

The first important activity on this day during Haj is to stone the devil, who is represented by three huge pillars at the far end of Mina. There are TV screens in the camps which relay the crowd situation at key sites allowing you to decide when to undertake the journey.

At 11:00 am we felt refreshed enough to make the trip. The plan was to take the metro services reducing the walking to only the train station and back, which itself was more than a kilo meter each side. However once we reached the station we realized that the metro services were stopped due to the huge crowd. This left us with no option but to walk the 4 KMs to the stoning site.

The authorities have built an air-cooled, canopied road with water outlets at every few meters on either side to protect the pilgrims from the blazing sun and heat. The progress though was slow since many people were still tired and it took us almost two hours to finally reach the site.

Standing in the plains of Arafat on the afternoon of 9^th Zilhijja was about attaining purity by seeking forgiveness. The stoning of the devil on 10^th (and subsequently on 11, 12 and 13^th Zilhijja) is about sustaining that purity by building resistance to what is wrong.

Stoning the devil is a ritual to commemorate the incident where the devil tried to lead Abraham astray into disobeying God’s wish to slaughter his son Ismael. Abraham resisted the devil by throwing pebbles at him at three different places.

The Haji revisits that incident by throwing seven pebbles at a huge oval pillar which symbolizes the devil. However before throwing each pebble it is prescribed that the person has to recall in his mind one occasion where s/he did a wrong, where they gave in to the temptation of the devil. As you remember a wrongdoing, then pick the pebble and throw it at the devil, you are not stoning the external pillar but that something inside you which tempted you into that transgression.

The devil does not reside in that pillar, but in our own deeper selves. That is the essence of this ritual.

And when you repeat this exercise on all the remaining days of Haj (stoning all 3 pillars, unlike only the ‘Big’ devil on 10^th Zilhajja) trying to remember each transgression of yours and then pelting the ‘devil’ inside which made you do that, you are building in yourself the ability to resist the wrong, to throw a mental stone at the ‘devil’ whenever he attempts to bait you again.

And the ‘bait’ is all pervasive you realize as soon as you return tired from the long walk back to your camp. The exhaustion makes you prone to frustration and anger and it is visible around you in the tent. A few are angry for what they term the mismanagement of the tour operator since they left Arafat, others are frustrated with the delay in the sacrifice (which is the next obligatory ritual after the stoning of the devil) because without confirmation on the sacrifice having been made at the government slaughter house they are unable to divest their ihram and the restrictions that come along with it, while some blame the Saudi government for not being able to manage the metro services. There is gossip, hurt, blame and argument as the devil gets back to work immediately after being stoned.

And it doesn’t take time to realize that there is no devil that lies outside, all temptation, all dirt resides inside us – in our ego, in our laziness, in our flawed intents – and till we do not become conscious about it and build the habit of ‘stoning’ it, sustaining purity would be difficult.

Late in the evening we received news of the sacrifice being done so we shaved the head and removed the ihram. There was a feeling of happiness all around on having fulfilled a major portion of Haj. Restrictions, even if they meant closeness to God, can be a burden.

Late next morning, on the 11^th of Zilhajja, we left for Makkah for tawaaf-e-ziyarat, or the circumambulation of the Kaaba during Haj days, the final mandatory ritual. There was unprecedented crowd in Masjid-al-Haram and even the first floor and the roof top which requires covering a greater distance for the tawaaf due to the bigger circumference were completely packed. Yet my wife was insistent that we do the tawaaf in the mataaf, the open area immediately surrounding the Kaaba. Whether it was her strong belief or plain right timing but we managed to sneak into the mataaf immediately after the noon prayers when the sun was at its hottest.

Many times on TV and in few movies we have seen the famous Makkah footage of the huge gathering doing the rounds of the Kaaba, packed tight together with no empty space as if the people were standing still and the ground below was rotating like a conveyor belt. It is an amazing scene even from the outside.

What is it to be inside the scene? To be one of the many thousands seeking and praying as they circled the revered place.

Once you enter that swirling mass of people you are alone despite the crowd. There are many distractions; wanting to finish quickly by trying to find empty spaces, timing your rounds, correcting others, staying in touch with your group etc. However success lies in submitting yourself to the flow, following the automatic motion. And giving yourself to God; spending that hallowed time that would not come again soon in your life, probably never again, in praying for yourself and everyone you know and seeking forgiveness and wisdom for the life ahead. Then the crowd exists only as a huge vehicle for your journey, taking you along, strengthening your objective by their own congruence of intent.

It is humanity besieging God and you feel a part of it.

By the time we finished our tawaaf and saee (the seven rounds between Mount Safa and Mount Marwah) it was late afternoon and as we walked into the basement of Masjid-al-Haram on our way out, all the nostalgic memories of hours spent leisurely there during the early days of our pilgrimage came rushing back. Today there was hardly a place to sit.

We took a private bus to Mina for the second day of the stoning of the devil. In order to avoid stampede due to people moving in both directions, the authorities have built ‘one-ways’ which meant we had a good 2.5 kms walk from where the bus dropped us. It was night by the time we finished the stoning and thankfully for us the train services had resumed. We boarded the metro back to our camp.

It was 9 PM by the time we alighted at Mina 1, our camp destination. A couple of handcarts were selling memorabilia and toys, a few tea and cold drink stalls on the road manned largely by African women awaited the odd customer, a police jeep moved about silently and small groups of pilgrims walked around with casual indifference. There was a strange stillness all around, a resigned calm after all the urgency and frenetic activity of the last three days as if the air around had sensed that the action was over, the deed almost done.

Life assembles in Mina only during these five days of Haj.

We had complied with all mandatory and most of the obligatory rituals. What remained was the stoning of the devil on 12^th Zilhajja, the fifth and final day of Haj and then back to our hotel room and the flight home a couple of days later. We trudged back quietly along the small ascent, absorbed in our own exhaustion and relief. There was no need to hold hands diligently any longer for the fear of getting lost because there was no crowd anymore and in those four days we had begun to know the place and its roads. Returning to the large tent with only a cramped single foam mattress as a bed felt like returning home.

How soon does one get attached to the place one stays.

Next day the main topic of discussion at breakfast was whether lunch should be served at the camp, or would people finish the stoning of the devil and return to the hotel and have lunch there. After long debates and many suggestions it was decided that the elderly would provide proxies for stoning the devil (the rituals allow this if you are not physically fit) and take an early bus back to the hotel with the luggage, while the others would complete the ritual and reach directly. Lunch would be served at the hotel in Aziziya.

It is interesting how hygiene factors override everything else and occupy our thinking. Maslow has got it perfectly right.

We left a little after noon for the third stoning of the devil. The train journey was comfortable as most of the crowd had already planned their return. By 2 PM we finished the stoning and reached Mina 2 station from where our hotel was a 15 minute walk.

The air at the hotel was festive and congratulatory. Men and women sat in the lobby and welcomed each one as they returned from their journey. A feast was laid out for lunch and everyone hugged and wished each other fondly recounting their stories of the last five days. Despite the tiredness and fatigue there was liveliness and the joy of having reached the destination, of achieved the purpose.

We were Haji’s now.

[In the next episode we will complete the final ritual – the farewell visit to the Masjid-al-Haram and undertake the return journey back home.]

40 Days with God – The Haj Part II – A Test of Faith

The test of leadership lies in adversity. Does the test of Faith also lie in adversity or in those good times when every thing is going your way?

As per the carefully laid out plan of the tour operator we were supposed to take the train to Mina 1 station where our tents were based and where the tour operator had dinner ready for us, get refreshed and then walk across the street into Muzdalifah to spend the night as the rituals defined. Thus when we managed to board the metro train at Arafat overcoming the stampede at the station gates we thought we had made it. Little did we realize that the challenges had only just begun!

The train terminated at Muzdalifah 3 which was the station prior to Mina 1. It was then we realized that, that night the trains would only halt at Muzdalifah to prevent pilgrims from deporting at wrong stations accidently and missing the key ritual of spending the night at Muzdalifah. Our destination was only about 2 Kms from where we had alighted but in that huge crowd of people it was difficult to find the exact route. Two people assumed leadership of our group of 10-12 pilgrims including a few old couples who had rigidly clung to us out of the fear of getting lost in that mammoth crowd. And as it happens in the proverbial ‘two horse race’, they began to pull us in different directions.

Ego is probably the most difficult thing for an individual to overcome, even in a sacred endeavor that is supposed to alienate you from worldly matters. And compounded with fatigue, fear and a fastidious police which didn’t allow us to gather at a place and think it through, decision making was on-the-go. For us, the followers, the key decision was which leader to follow since each of them had a different idea of the right route to take. Eventually we decided that the most critical thing for us was to stay together rather than worry which leader was right.

One of the leaders managed to find the route to our camp. The other after a few urgent phone calls realized he had taken the wrong route. The group was with this other leader. We decided to spread our mats wherever decent space was available and spend the night there.

It is in such situations that one realizes the utility of technology. Though we were separated we could still call up each other or the tour operator and inquire about the safety. The problem was we ourselves were not sure where exactly we were to give any direction. That night we also realized how testing it would have been for our parents and grandparents when they performed their Haj without the advantage of mobile connectivity and why the journey was normally undertaken after you had finished all your worldly obligations.

One of the rituals at Muzdalifah is to collect pebbles for the stoning of the devil that has to be done for 3 days starting from 10^th Zilhajja. The ladies collected stones for us as the men went to fetch water and something to eat. Most of the night though was spent in probe rather than prayers. It emphasized that how a little bit of personal suffering or threat to security was enough to divert us from the core purpose. Sacrifice, though easy to understand and espouse, is so difficult to put into practice. It requires fortitude and a true and complete belief in God – that He controls everything and thus He will take care. Our task is to only put in well-intentioned efforts.

Through the night a few more of our touring group including one of the tour managers reached our location and we took a decision to leave early at dawn in order to reach our camp at Mina and avoid the rush when everyone would depart from Muzdalifah to the far end of Mina for the next ritual of stoning the devil.

We had failed to realize that forty million people were thinking on similar lines.

We appointed key leaders who would hold the tour flags high to indicate direction, tagged the older couples with younger ones and set off at dawn to reach our camp where we were to take a break to rest and refresh before embarking on the onward journey for stoning the devil.

As we hit the streets wave after wave of pilgrims started to pour in since everyone was moving in the same direction. Each turn became difficult to navigate and distance between the flag bearers and the followers started to grow as the aged failed to catch up in the huge rush. Everyone appeared similar, dressed in the two sheets of white ihram and the fear was that one missed turn would put us on the street leading to the site of stoning the devil. That would mean another 4 KMs of walk in one direction and in the current state of exhaustion that would have been impossible for the elders and the womenfolk to undertake.

The police there follow a simple rule of no-exception which is probably the only way you can manage such a huge crowd and thus if you happen to get on to the route leading to the devil you would not be allowed to turn back and take a different route no matter what your situation was. Turning back would be a sure case for a stampede. Military helicopters hovered on top monitoring the situation.

Navigating from one end of the street to another required moving across a huge current of surging population. Two women, one with a semi-paralytic husband held on to me as I tried to ensure they didn’t go out of step and fall behind. In the process I lost physical contact with my wife who had another elderly couple clutching at her arm. Looking over the crowd there was no way to locate her or know where she was heading and in that crowd and chaos it was impossible to even reach for the mobile. Technology had to eventually yield to Faith and in that helplessness where one couldn’t chose ones direction or stop and think one could only remember God with an intensity and depth that was not possible in normal times.

Don’t push, don’t shove, be courteous to your fellow Haji’s, allow others to pass are all prescribed in the rules for Haj and every sermon during your preparation days emphasized it. You had made a strong mental note to never forget them. In those 90 minutes that morning, when you are fighting to stay on your feet, you realize that greatness doesn’t lie in following instructions when things are normal, in giving when you have plenty. Greatness lies in staying with the principles during adversity, when your own security is at stake.

It was a lesson that was to come back to me many times later, to remind me of my weaknesses and the distance I still have to travel. It was my lesson in humility.

After an hour and half of struggle, guided only by instinct and my sense of direction, I and the three elderly people with me found ourselves on the side of the narrow street leading to our camp. It was largely deserted since everyone was moving towards the other end of Mina for the stoning of the devil. As we stood on the side finally to gather a few moments of rest, it felt as if standing on the banks of a huge river in rampage, unmindful of what it was carrying within its course.

Slowly we trudged back along the silent street to our camp. It felt peaceful after all the rush till just a few minutes ago. Some people had reached the camp and everyone had a story to tell. Meenaz, my wife, was not there. The old ladies with me held my arms and their gratitude was genuine not needing many words. That day I realized the true pleasure of giving. I suddenly felt everything will be fine.

Meenaz returned after half an hour. They had taken a turn in an adjacent lane and had to take a longer route to reach the camp. Everyone was exhausted and happy to just lie in their bed and be thankful for being back. It seemed as if we had been away for a long while though it was for less than 36 hours.

Soon though we would have to get back on our feet and make the journey for stoning the devil and then the only remaining mandatory task of Haj – the tawaf-e-ziyarat i.e. circumambulation of the Kaaba. We had only been through the first two days of the Haj rituals. Three more days were still ahead of us.

[In the next episode we will look at the remaining rituals of 10 – 12 Zilhijja and how they complete the process of purification and lead towards sustainability.]

40 Days with God – The Haj Part I - Purification

The obligatory Haj rituals are to be performed in the vicinity of Makkah during 8 – 12 Zul-hijja (the month of Hajj) which is the last month of the Islamic calendar. Only when you have performed the prescribed rituals on these given days are you said to have performed Haj.

We returned back to Makkah on 5^th Zilhijja after the 10 day stay in Medina – and it seemed to be a different place than what we had left. There were people everywhere, on the streets, in front of hotels, in temporary makeshift tents in traffic gardens and in the grand central Mosque – the Masjid-al-Haram.

Yet despite the huge crowds, when we returned back for the obligatory Umrah to Masjid-al-Haram on the night we reached from Medina, it felt like a homecoming, like getting back into the arms of Allah again.

Let me share some insights into how the Saudi government manages the large crowd. In 2012 around 40 lakh pilgrims performed the Haj as per the official version out of which 16 lakhs were foreign visitors while the remaining were from GCC countries who do not need a visa and just drive in or local Arabs and migrant workers in Saudi Arabia. All the foreign pilgrims are allocated to a Muallim – or a local leader. Muallim in Arabic means ‘Sir’ or ‘Teacher’. Each Maullim is allocated approximately 5000 pilgrims and during your stay in Saudi your travel and security is his responsibility. In the month preceding the Haj week and the month that follows, the government controls the pilgrim population by distributing them between Makkah and Medina. Thus some batches first travel to Makkah and then visit Medina, whereas an approximately equal number visit Medina first before traveling to Makkah. This is managed centrally by Muallims through an IT program.

Thus on any given day when a set of pilgrims is travelling from Makkah to Medina, an almost equal number is travelling back from Medina to Makkah and the 7 hours journey gives the hotel staff at both locations time to clean up the rooms for the new set of arriving pilgrims. However for the Haj week the entire population travels to Makkah only and hence when we returned back to Makkah we were allocated a hotel in the suburbs, around 5 KMs from the Central Mosque since hotel rents in the city during these days are exorbitantly high.

The rituals during the Haj week (8-12 Zilhijja) are taxing both in terms of physical effort required as well as due to the huge crowd and hence it is recommended to refresh and rejuvenate for a few days prior to its commencement. We spent 5 – 7 Zilhajja in our hotel room in Azizia (a suburb of Makkah) largely attending sermons on the Haj rituals, their significance, the travel and stay arrangements during those days and how to manage if one got lost. The mosques deliver these sermons in various international languages based on the nationalities staying in that location.

On the night of 7^th Zilhajja we took bath, packed a small bag with necessities, discarded our clothes and donned the white ihram once again and became ready for the final passage; the purpose of the pilgrimage. All the preparation, all the knowledge, all the insights resonated internally and nothing mattered besides that single intent to ensure every rite was performed as prescribed, every ritual measured up to the standards deemed by the Prophet and our Haj could meet the acceptance of Allah. The entire journey would then be worthwhile.

The prophet had set for Haj on the morning of 8^th Zilhajja, but due to the large crowd now we set forth on the journey around midnight of 7^thZilhajja. The Haji during these prescribed days has to stay in Mina, a huge plain about 5 KMs to the east of Makkah where more than 100,000 air-conditioned, fire proof tents are set up to provide temporary accommodation to the pilgrims for these five nights.

The 10 minute bus journey took us almost one hour since every road leading to Mina was packed with vehicles and people walking with their belongings trying to find their tent in that sprawling sea of white. As you look around from your bus it was the only color you saw – white. The white tents packed close to each other separated only by streams of the same color; streets made invisible by millions of pilgrims all dressed in the same two sheets of unstitched white – the ihram.

And on the lips of everyone is a single prayer – the Talbiyah, which (in translation) states "Here I am at Thy service O Lord, here I am. Here I am at Thy service and Thou hast no partners. Thine alone is All Praise and All Bounty, and Thine alone is The Sovereignty. Thou hast no partners.”

The central theme of Haj is Oneness – the equality of mankind, all dressed alike, all reciting the same prayer, united in their desire of seeking servitude and love of a single Lord. No soul can stay unaffected in that atmosphere of energy created by forty million people unified by a single spiritual purpose.

The 8^th of Zilhijja is known as Yaum-ul-Tarwiyah (The day of giving water) because on this day, in ancient times, the pilgrims and their caravans would drink and fill water for the day of Arafat to follow. There are no specific rites for this day except to offer the five mandatory prayers and spend the day in zikr or remembrance of the Lord seeking His forgiveness and help.

The beds in the tent are foam mattresses cramped adjacent to each other with hardly and space to walk and the toilets though many can be few at ‘rush’ hours so you do become careful while eating and have to plan your natural visits. However it is important to ensure enough nourishment for the two tough days to follow.

The second day of Haj i.e. 9^th Zilhijja (also called Yaum-ul-Arafat or the day of Arafat) is probably the most crucial of all days because it includes the mandatory rite of seeking pardon in the plains of Arafat. There are 3 mandatory and 6 obligatory rituals for the Haj to be deemed complete. If you miss any of the obligatory rites then you can still continue with the Haj by paying a compensation in the form charity (sadqa) or sacrifice of a sheep or goat.  However if you miss a compulsory ritual the Haj is deemed incomplete and one has to undertake the whole journey again. Being in a state of ihram, standing in the plains of Arafat on the afternoon of 9^th Zilhijja and the Tawaf-e-Ziyaarat (the circumambulation of the Kaaba during specific Haj days) are the mandatory rites.

The Arafat ritual is probably the most significant ritual of the pilgrimage. On this day the Haji has to stand in the huge open plains of Arafat from noon till sunset and seek forgiveness for all his sins. For the ease of the pilgrim and to provide undivided focus on this single act of repentance even the mandatory evening prayer (namaz-e-asr) that day are to be read along with the afternoon prayer (namaz-e-johar.)

We reached Arafat just after midnight and the few tents over there were dark since there is no provision for electricity. It didn't matter, because that day you only have a single worry; will I receive forgiveness for my sins?

What if you were aware of your many wrongdoings and given one chance to stand in court and seek mercy from the judge?

The plain of Arafat that afternoon is full of men and women from every culture, nationality, age, prosperity standing with their hands raised to the sky, unmindful of the blazing sun on top, the burning sand underneath, sobbing as they recall their sins, the sweat and the tears difficult to distinguish.

It was as if the entire journey had prepared you for this one moment; all that time to read and reflect, to be with yourself and God unpeels the outer layer of superficial modesty to reveal the garbage lying inside you – your truest intents for doing what you did and you have realized that these have not always been honest. From this acute self-awareness comes a sense of remorse that is deep and heartfelt. And when this opportunity arrives to get everything excused, you seek forgiveness as if nothing else mattered. That afternoon there is no one in Arafat who doesn’t cry.

And that afternoon you realize why the pilgrimage, if performed as prescribed, has the potential to make you as pure as a new born.

A loud alarm signals sunset. It is time to leave Arafat and reach the mountains and plains of Muzdalifah to spend the night, which is the next obligatory task. Imagine 40 million people leaving a place at the same time to reach another common place. The crowd, the chaos, the commotion can be unmanageable and we had a near life-threatening experience as we were sandwiched in a crowd of more than fifty thousand trying to enter the metro station through a single narrow gate.

The harrowing experience though doesn’t affect you. You have managed to board a train and get dropped somewhere in Muzdalifah (it is almost 9 KMs from Arafat and there are three metro stations for Muzdalifah.) You are separated from your group, you don’t know which place you are, you had nothing to eat since the afternoon lunch yet nothing matters.

All that matters is compliance to God, to dutifully do as He reckons. To, as someone had rightly said, trust the process.

[In the next episode we will look at the remaining rituals of 10 – 12 Zilhijja and how they complete the process of purification and lead towards the other important thing - sustaining that purity.]

40 Days with God – Liberation through Forgiveness

What if Religion was thought as Ancient History? Would it then be more acceptable?

History has its share of conflicts but they are less vicious and dogmatic than religious ones. And you tend to believe in history more than religion because they are observable facts. During the pilgrimage the tour operator took us on a visit to all the historical places around Makkah and Medina – the place where Prophet Mohammed and few other known leaders were born, the cave in which Koranic verses were revealed, the mountain top where the prophet hid during his migration to Medina, the battlefields where some famous battles happened etc.

You had read or heard many tales of the Prophet but seeing all those places in reality makes religion seem like history and helps you visualize the world at that time with its cultural and political dimensions.

There is an interesting aspect of the government in Saudi. They have not preserved most of the historical structures (e.g. the birthplace of the Prophet, houses of other leaders) in their original form but converted them either into a mosque or a library. The objective we were told is to prevent people from worshipping these places but rather praying and seeking only from a single God.

The library on the roof top of Masjid-e-Nabwi, the central mosque in Medina is a veritable delight for readers and historians. There are books in all major national languages across the globe covering various facets of Islamic and Arabic civilization – the arts, sciences, culture, politics and history besides the religious doctrines. What I found romantic were the early photos of Makkah and Medina before modernization giving a glimpse of how our grandfathers would have seen it when they did their Haj. The one hour that I spent in the library every afternoon was valuable education in the history of Islam and the character of Prophet Mohammed.

We were returning from a guided tour of Medina and our guide was a Pakistani scholar from the North-West who spoke in a monotonous but endearing accent – isn’t it always charming to hear someone speak a language in their local dialect. His pain at being distanced from his homeland and of a rapidly commercializing culture that was distancing itself from old values was palpable in his commentary. On the last leg of the tour he reminded us of the sanctity of Masjid-e-Nabwi where the prophet lived, prayed and died and the great opportunity life had given us to pray at the same place, to touch with our forehead the same ground which the prophet must have touched one day in prostration.

Affected by that emotional speech I was determined that afternoon to offer namaaz in the original mosque that housed the prophet’s pulpit – the place from where he preached. Since this place is smaller than the huge, modern prayer hall created as an extension, you need to be early to get a place to pray inside. I skipped my afternoon nap that day to secure a place inside the mosque.

The Prophet’s pulpit was in front of me and on my left was Bibi Ayesha’s (the Prophet’s wife) house where the prophet died and lies buried. The fact that I was sharing the same space where 1400 years ago the prophet would have stood and addressed people sitting where I was sitting made me tremble with reverence and fear. Was I worth the place? Did my character come anywhere close to that of the prophet’s companions and the people of those times, about whom I had read in the library books? And I bowed my head and cried for forgiveness because that was the only thing I could do.

God reserves the right to forgive you for your wrongdoings of His edicts – and He is most merciful. However Islam insists that if you have hurt your fellow citizens, you need to be first forgiven by them before Allah forgives you for such transgressions. That probably is one reason why it is customary to seek explicit forgiveness from all your relatives and friends before one leaves for Haj.

I had by now complete faith in the mercy of the Lord, but what about people I may have deliberately or inadvertently hurt. I needed them to forgive me. But what could I do sitting from there but only pray that God put the thought of forgiveness in their hearts.

And then I realized that if I am expecting others to forgive me, shouldn’t I be forgiving others for any wrongdoing or hurt they had caused me? The Universe, I had learned in a training program earlier in the year, gives you back what you sow. So the only way those I have hurt may forgive me is if I forgive those who have hurt me – and it didn’t matter if the hurting and the ones causing hurt were not the same, for the Universe will take care of that; haven’t we heard about the Laws of Conservation in physics.

I tried to recall the incidents and people who had pained me and as I went back in memory to remember such moments I realized that they were rarely from casual acquaintances or one-off incidents; most memories that I had of pain and hurt were caused by close relationships and friends and that revelation suddenly stunned me.

Do we hurt our loved ones the most? And if we hurt them then that hurt has to come back to us in some form or other, as per the Universal Law of reap as you sow. So then, are our loved ones the reason for all the hurt that we get from the world and vice-versa?

A very close relative, who works near my house, had refused to help or even inquire when I was struggling with all the preparations before leaving for Haj. As I would sleep exhausted well after midnight and then wake up before dawn each day to wind-up remaining tasks I would feel pained by his indifference. And I had carried that pain with me to the pilgrimage.

I called him up from the mosque, knowing well that it was not courteous to make a phone call from that holy precinct. But it was important for me to forgive him then and there. He inquired cheerfully about my pilgrimage, told me how he had been praying in every namaaz five times a day about my well-being and safety. I felt cheerful and happy talking to him and all the hurt seemed to go away.

Did he feel he was doing his duty by praying to God for helping me out and taking care of me? Was his intent thus to help me, only his manner was different from what I was expecting? And thus was he wrong or only I was assuming he was wrong?

Only God knows the true intents of a person so does anyone other than God have a right to judge another person?

As I walked out of the mosque later that evening I felt strangely liberated, completely at peace with myself. What great freedom it is to have the burden of judgment taken away, to know that you can never truly judge anyone else and thus everyone may be right in their own way. And that makes forgiving others so easy.

How light and peaceful it feels on having truly forgiven everyone. I tried to recall again all those incidents of pain and hurt which had been stored inside me for years. They came back now only as incidents with no feeling of pain or hurt. Is this the test of true forgiveness?

I realized how simple it is to live a hurt-free life. All we need to develop is an ability to genuinely forgive the other for their seeming mistakes.

[Next week we will travel back to Makkah for the actual Haj rituals – the prime purpose of taking this pilgrimage.]